Jesus I Want These

And not just because Maynard J of Tool wears them occasionally either.

New Jack Handy

I can't believe how long it's been since Jack Handy did anything new, but here it is.

IDEAS FOR PAINTINGS

by JACK HANDEY

Issue of 2006-03-20
Posted 2006-03-13

Because I love art, I am offering the following ideas for paintings to all struggling artists out there. Some of those artists may be thinking, Hey, I’ve got good ideas of my own. Really? Then why are you struggling?

These ideas are free of charge. All I ask is that when you have completed a painting, as a courtesy to me you sign it “Jack Handey and [your name or initials].” And, if the painting is sold, I get approximately all the money.

Good luck! Let’s get painting!

Stampede of Nudes

The trouble with most paintings of nudes is that there isn’t enough nudity. It’s usually just one woman lying there, and you’re looking around going, “Aren’t there any more nudes?” This idea solves that.

What has frightened these nudes? Is it the lightning in the background? Or did one of the nudes just spook? You don’t know, and this creates tension.

Made You Look

This idea is difficult to execute, but could turn out to be a masterpiece. It depicts a grandly dressed lady looking straight at you. At first, her look seems to say, “Quick, look behind you!” So you turn around, and when you look at her again her expression now seems to be one of smug satisfaction.

The Bleak Hotel

A man is staring out the window of a bleak hotel room. He looks depressed. From the side, flying through the air, is a football. And you realize, If he’s depressed now, just wait until he gets hit in the head by that football.

The Repentant Cameron Diaz

Cameron Diaz, her tear-streaked face lit by a candle, gazes wistfully at a photograph of me.

The Weary Peasants

Some tired-looking peasants are walking down a road at sunset, carrying sheaves of wheat. A nobleman in a fancy coach is coming up from behind. This creates drama, because you’re thinking, Why don’t those peasants get out of the way?

Self-Portrait with Startled Expression

The key here is to be able to constantly startle yourself as you’re painting. One option is to hire a professional startler, but that can get expensive. (The best ones are from Ireland.) Be sure to use opening the bill from your startler as a free startle.

The Death of Hercules

An old Hercules is being lifted into the air by angels. On the one hand, it makes you sad, but on the other you think, He’s still in pretty good shape.

Abstract White No. 1

This is a solid-white painting. You might be asking, “Is it O.K. to put in a fleck of color here and there?” I give up. Do whatever you want.

The Boxers

Two boxers are whaling away at each other in a boxing ring. But then you notice that the people in the audience are also fighting one another. And it makes you ask: Who are the truly barbaric ones here, the boxers or the spectators? Then you can turn the painting over and read the answer: “the boxers.”

The French Lovers

A French dandy is embracing his beautiful buxom lover in a lush, overgrown garden. This painting should be in the shape of binoculars.

Still-Life with Rabbit

A wooden table is chockablock with fruit, cheese, and a glass of wine. To one side is a dead rabbit, a dead pheasant, and a dead eel. And you’re thinking, Thanks for the fruit, but, man, take better care of your pets.

Still-Life with Beets, Cauliflower, Liver, and Large Glass of Beer

Just kidding. Only the beer.

The Expulsion of Adam and Eve

Biblical themes sell well. In this one, God hovers over Adam and Eve, kicking them out of the Garden of Eden. As they leave, in an aside to Eve, Adam imitates the expression on God’s face.

The Jolly Dancer

The scene is a flatboat on the Ohio River. A frontiersman who looks like me is doing his funny cowboy dance. Everyone seems to be enjoying the dance except for an insane simpleton who looks like my so-called friend Don. Crawling up behind Don is a big snapping turtle.

Untitled

This can pretty much be anything. Just remember to make it good, and to put my name on it.

I can see my house from here!

From this photo set.

GOGOGO HAMSTER

Random Quit Msg from irc.

You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts; And when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a pastime.

Lightbulbs

Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: A fish.

Am I African?

'I am an African'

Yolandi Groenewald
24 November 2006 07:46
Van Zyl Slabbert at the Origins Centre at Wits. (Photograph: Lisa Skinner) Former opposition leader Frederik Van Zyl Slabbert’s definition of himself is disarmingly simple: “I live in Africa; therefore I am an African.” Slabbert made his intervention in a lecture he delivered recently at the University of the Witwatersrand, titled I Am an African -- If Not, Why Not?. It was one of a series of lectures hosted by political analyst and academic Xolela Mangcu, to facilitate and stimulate public debate on the theme of identity in South Africa. The topic also featured in SAfm’s After Eight Debate this week, after the new Auditor General, Terence Nombembe, was described as the first African to hold this position. Slabbert criticised the concept of “Africanness” in the current South African political landscape as “a value-laden ideological concept of nationality, ethnicity and race”. Rejecting the idea that race defined an African identity, he argued that to move away from defining “African” other than by reference to geography was to enter an ideological and judgemental minefield. At the lecture, Slabbert, who resigned from Parliament in 1986 because he believed it had become politically irrelevant, traded barbs with conservative Afrikaans philosopher Dan Roodt. Roodt’s view is that Afrikaners should remain a cohesive nation with a specific group identity, who should stand up for their culture. He accused Slabbert and the liberal West of imposing their brand of liberal democracy on countries like South Africa, where they had no guarantee of success. “You are like the guy who told his followers: ‘You are all individualists, don’t follow me.’ They then bow down in front of him, saying ‘We are all individualists’,” Roodt told Slabbert. Slabbert said that according to the standard definition of an Afrikaner he had never qualified. “There were eight criteria [under apartheid] and I failed seven of them.” He told Roodt: “If you don’t want to define me as an Afrikaner, feel free. I don’t have a hang-up about not being an Afrikaner.” Slabbert took as his main theme Thabo Mbeki’s 1996 I Am an African speech. The speech, he told delegates, had incorporated all South Africans -- black, white, Asian and coloured -- into the definition of “African”. “If I am asked why I am an African, I say because my president told me so,” he said. However, 10 years after the speech, the prevailing political climate still maintained that Indians, whites and coloured people could not be African. The fact that Indians and coloured people were not considered African was underlined by Mbeki’s formula that the ANC aimed to liberate “blacks in general and Africans in particular”. Slabbert also slammed the continued use of racial categories in, for example, the employment equity database, saying he refused to identify himself by race on application and other forms. According to such definitions, “a coloured is someone who looks like a coloured and whose mother was a coloured, and so on. Thus round and round we go and where we’ll end up, no one knows,” he said. Illustrating South Africa’s preoccupation with race and racial pigeon-holing of individuals, he referred to a Cape family, the Bodensteins, half of whom had been defined under apartheid as coloured and half as white. “As there were 24 grandchildren each with their own race definition, it presented quite a dilemma to the family come Christmas because of the Group Areas Act,” Slabbert said. After he had petitioned the government, the Bodensteins had all been classified white. “But now they don’t qualify for BEE any more,” he grinned. Questioned about his hesitancy over affirmative action and BEE, Slabbert responded that these could be based on criteria which were not racial. “What about using terms such as ‘previously disadvantaged’, ‘homeless’ or ‘unemployed’?” he asked. “There has to be transformation and I am not against affirmative action -- but not using race as a criterion.” Slabbert said South Africa’s struggle past was being selectively used to establish a racially exclusive Africanism as “the new dominant ideology”. He pleaded with South Africans “not to fall for an invented history”. This included the myth that Cuban and Angolan forces had defeated the South African Defence Force at the Angolan battle of Cuito Cuanavale, and FW de Klerk’s “romanticised” claim that he had acted out of conscience in unbanning the ANC. “A lot of the historians have invented events about the transformation of South Africa, just because it had the right feel and creates a feeling of nationalism,” he said. “By inventing the past or co-opting it ideologically, it becomes more difficult to avoid repeating mistakes and dealing with the problems of the present.” Slabbert also spoke about the oppressive stability of the apartheid regime. “We now have a vibrant civil society, and this translates into a more consensual society,” he said. “Crime is also a form of civil society participation, a negative one, but riddled with entrepreneurs.” It might be thought that with profound divisions emerging in the ANC, South Africa was at risk of a military coup or Zimbabwean dictatorship. This was unlikely to happen because of South Africa’s vibrant civil society and the South African habit of questioning government. “When the minister says ‘trust me on Selebi’, we should ask why? Why should I trust you, what do you know that I don’t know,” he said. “Why should we reduce ourselves to silent idiots?”

E.E. Cummings Says

anyone lived in a pretty how town
anyone lived in a pretty how town (with up so floating many bells down) spring summer autumn winter he sang his didn't he danced his did Women and men(both little and small) cared for anyone not at all they sowed their isn't they reaped their same sun moon stars rain children guessed(but only a few and down they forgot as up they grew autumn winter spring summer) that noone loved him more by more when by now and tree by leaf she laughed his joy she cried his grief bird by snow and stir by still anyone's any was all to her someones married their everyones laughed their cryings and did their dance (sleep wake hope and then)they said their nevers they slept their dream stars rain sun moon (and only the snow can begin to explain how children are apt to forget to remember with up so floating many bells down) one day anyone died i guess (and noone stooped to kiss his face) busy folk buried them side by side little by little and was by was all by all and deep by deep and more by more they dream their sleep noone and anyone earth by april wish by spirit and if by yes. Women and men(both dong and ding) summer autumn winter spring reaped their sowing and went their came sun moon stars rain

Alan Moore Says

This is for when the radio is broken and crackles like uranium orchids. This is for when the fon-wind rattles the telegraph wires like a handfull of bones. This is for when dream ambulances skitter through the streets at midnight. This is for when you get caught in a sleep-riot and the sky is out of order.This is for when your sex is full of voodoo. This is for when your clothes are imaginary. This is for when your flesh creeps and never comes back.

As read by Bauhaus.

Conan Reaches for The Lazers

How white does Tide make your clothes?

The sad thing is, it's a scam. (How many milk bottles have you seen without any labels?)

JUST A CAT.

Awesome.

Artist's site.

Shoes!

LOL

From here.

Black Sabbath Sneaks

Details.

Blush Lingerie Campaign

Entire Campaign here. I don't know why they even bothered to campaign this. I think it's an awesome idea, but it's a one off, the rest of the campaign is just different shots of a similar thing.

...

Rise of The Super Lion

The superlions marooned on an island

By ZOE BRENNAN, Daily Mail Last updated at 12:16pm on 24th June 2006

Marooned on an island, this group of lions should have died out. Instead, in an evolutionary twist, they've learned to swim and become strong enough to tackle their only prey... giant buffalo

Fearless, ferocious and mightier than the world has ever seen, this is the new breed of super-lion.

Article here.

Tokyo Plastic Animation for Zune

See the movie here.

BURN THE FAT!

Duncan Wilson

Cool stuff.

"Inspired by an encounter with a snow covered park bench; the experience of disturbing the virgin surface, leavings ones mark or discovering the trace of a previous presence.

The Snowbench uses visco-elastic memory foam and diaphragm valves to retain the imprint of the user, documenting the physical interaction and creating a playful and poetic relationship between object and person. The bench becomes an icon of the object and situation that inspired it, evoking memories and imagination of an experience that contrasts with the present environment and context.

June 2006"

His website.

Heal The World

GlobalOrgasm.org Mission Statement

The mission of the Global Orgasm is to effect change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy. Now that there are two more US fleets heading for the Persian Gulf with anti- submarine equipment that can only be for use against Iran, the time to change Earth’s energy is NOW! Read more about the fleet buildup here.

The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high- energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers.

The goal is to add so much concentrated and high-energy positive input into the energy field of the Earth that it will reduce the current dangerous levels of aggression and violence throughout the world.

Global Orgasm is an experiment open to everyone in the world.

The results will be measured on the worldwide monitor system of the Global Consciousness Project.

This is the First Annual Winter Solstice Synchronized Global Orgasm for Peace, leading up to Winter Solstice of 2012, when the Mayan Calendar ends with a new beginning.

Sweet Game.

This is for the hardcore typers only.

Clicky .

Young men!

Best Ad Agency Ever.

Clicky.


Well, they would be if it wasn't an art project.

Suspended Sculptors

Awesome. More.

Hopefully the end of it.

Clicky.

Shit.

Tsunami warning issued for Japan

A tsunami is expected to hit the north and east coasts of Japan, the country's meteorological agency says.

The agency says the tsumami will be at least two metres (6.5 feet) high and could hit Hokkaido and Honshu islands after 1210 GMT.

Warnings are being broadcast on all TV channels and radio stations advising people to move to higher ground.

It comes after an earthquake of at least 7.7 magnitude hit the Kuril Islands, north of Japan.

The earthquake struck about 390km (240 miles) east of the Etorofu islands, at 1115 GMT, the meteorological agency said.

Other smaller waves may batter the Pacific coast of Japan over the next hour, the agency said.

Run Ash. Run.

Sweet Ass Second Life Short-Shorts

Kalahari.net Work

Nice one Schalk. More here.

Strange Love

Anger Everywhere

Sweet Salvation Army Campaign

More here.

TV.

Fun with flags.

What if the clients decided on your country's flag...

clicky.

Bad Dog

Gold Pirates

Gold pirates caught in police net
By Alex Eliseev

Kilometres below the ground, in pitch-black mineshafts, police are waging - and winning - an unusual war against armed gangs of pirate gold miners.

In six operations in Gauteng and the Free State over the past six months, specially trained police officers have arrested 60 of the rogue gold-diggers.

The pirates have been known to spend a year underground without surfacing; "hijacking" closed-off sections of legitimate mines; plundering them; and providing syndicates with tons of gold to smuggle abroad.

'They can't use guns down there as bullets could spark gas explosions'

Three major international syndicates buying the illegal gold from South Africa have been identified, and the Institute for Security Studies estimates the pirates steal gold-rich ore worth around R2-billion every year.

To defend themselves against the police, the illegal miners booby-trap shafts with dynamite and do not hesitate to chuck home-made grenades at anyone who detects them.

Living in silent darkness, the men rely on smuggled loaves of bread and "grocery" bags snuck in to them by legitimate miners.

For months at a time they sleep on wooden planks and defy extreme heat, humidity and toxic mercury fumes.

Police say the syndicates consist of a range of people, including out-of-work mineworkers.

'The gold is going upstairs'

Unable to drive out the dangerous intruders, security companies at the mines turned to the police.

Faced with an unusual foe, more than 20 officers from the police's elite Special Task Force and the intervention and explosives units embarked on extraordinary training to flush out their suspects.

Before making their move, the officers practised several kilometres below the surface.

Practice rounds were held at a mine in Randfontein, Gauteng, and the first operations against the criminals took place at a Harmony mine near Welkom in the Free State, explained the police's Assistant Commissioner Mike Fryer.

Operations have also been conducted against the pirates in Johannesburg's City Deep area.

In one raid, at the end of August, 18 pirates were arrested and 23 of their homemade bombs confiscated. In the same operation, almost 400kg of gold-bearing material was seized.

It is believed the pirates smuggle gold-rich ore out of the mines and are also able to extract the gold themselves.

Describing the police operation - called Zama Zama, after the nickname given to the thieves by miners - Fryer said: "It's very dangerous. We bought the officers some new equipment because they can't use guns down there as bullets could spark gas explosions."

Police declined to divulge the nature of the equipment they used to arrest the pirates, fearing it could jeopardise future operations.

Fryer said police had received further information about pirates at work in more of Gauteng's mines, and future operations - and arrests - would follow.

"This is organised crime. The gold is going upstairs and the question is: What is the money being used for?" Fryer said.

While underground, the pirates' preferred choice of food and drink is loaves of bread and 2-litre Coke bottles, because of its high energy content. These are snuck in by legitimate miners and sold for as much as R40 each.

A bag of "groceries", which includes items like peanuts and Cremora coffee creamer - rich in protein - can sell for up to R2 000. For beds, the pirates use planks of wood. They have to contend with temperatures of over 30°C, high humidity and deadly mercury fumes.

"They have no radios because sound travels underground and they need to be as quiet as possible, so as not to be detected. They sleep, stand up and work. There's nothing else for them to do," said police explosives expert Superintendent Joe Meiring.

The pirates are also believed to have women living with them in their lairs and can receive post.

Meiring said the pirates mainly used commercial explosives to work and had three methods to defend themselves:

Selecting an area and "rigging it" with explosives, creating a deadly booby-trap;

Throwing homemade hand-grenades at authorities or legitimate mineworkers approaching them. Fryer explained that before police intervened, a pirate had thrown a grenade at a group of workers. Luckily the group were in a safe location and "took the shock without any injuries or rockfalls". "They are prepared to use them (grenades), for sure," he said.

They use the "command wire" method, which is commonly used in the Iraq war, where a bomb is concealed and detonated from a distance of about 100m if "visitors" don't know the "secret code".

So far police officers had managed to ambush the pirates, Fryer said, and no officers have been hurt or killed.

In one case, a pirate died underground and his body was left near a lift being used by legitimate workers. After the miners made the discovery, they brought the body to the surface.

Asked how his officers have responded to their underground crime-fighting duties, Fryer said: "It's lekker, they love it. It's something new."

National Police Commissioner Jackie Selebi congratulated his officers on the arrests.

"We are ready to go into the belly of the earth," he said.

All 60 miners arrested have appeared in court and have been charged for breaking mining regulations and for being in possession of explosives illegally.

Awesome Prank at 1up

Acidman Music Video.

Nirvana Lithium Video

Good times.

Amazing Work From Atlanta

Go here: http://www.atlantaaddys.com/

Click on one of the time cards, and find out why it's a good thing you're stuck in advertising.

Copy, copy, copy.

NZ's vodafone creatives could've tried a little harder to disguise their source material for this one.



Also, here's a bunch of bouncing balls going down a hill, 10 years before the Bravia ad, on the Letterman Show.